Daily Jumble: Jenna’s Arranged Marriage-Free Edition

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• When Gonzales said John Ashcroft was “lucid” and “did most of the talking,” what he really meant was that Ashcroft was “feeble, barely articulate, clearly stressed.” No perjury here! [WP]

• Giuliani’s time at Ground Zero? Twenty-nine hours. In fairness to the mayor, that many television interviews would wear anyone out. What’s more, this fact withers in the brilliance of GOP primary voter logic: “‘He was there on 9/11, and that makes him an awesome person,’ said Curiel, describing herself as a committed Giuliani voter.”
[NYT] and [WP]

• Vick-suer Jonathan Riches has also filed a lawsuit against “Barry Bonds, baseball commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron’s bat” that rests on “an intricate conspiracy theory involving television ratings, steroids, the cracking of the Liberty Bell, Colombian narco-terrorists, and secretly recorded conversations for which journalists Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts.” That last part is, of course, true. And while it seems unlikely that Miller would go to jail to protect a source that’s a bat, she did martyr herself for a Scooter. [TSG]

• Whatever — and whoever — could Michelle Obama be referring to here: “Our view is that if you can’t run your own house, you certainly can’t run the White House.” (Also: Meow!) [NYT]

• Rove vs. Hillary, explained: “You know, go on Rush Limbaugh and bash Hillary — surefire way to get the rubes to forget what a catastrophic joke you’ve been.” [TPM]

• Stewart gives McCain the night off.

Next week, Barack.