Who Loves America Now, Punk?

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John McCain and Barack Obama are both spending the 4th in the western part of the States (Phoenix and Montana). I’m sure it means nothing. Meanwhile, on this sort of fake work day, I leave you for the long weekend with some thoughts from a fake worker:

First, you wake up and immediately eat an apple. Why an apple? Because there’s nothing more American than an apple. The next step in a successful America Day is selecting the right costume. For the past five years, I’ve opted to dress as Henry Clay, one of the best greatest senators in American history. The costume is up to you, though. It should be somehow related to America’s greatness, but doesn’t have to be a person. I’ve seen Constitutions, watermelon, and a costume that illustrated America’s immigration policy from 1885-1921.

Once you’re in costume, it’s time to participate in the traditional parade entitled “America the Beautiful,” where everyone parades around in their costumes and throws hard candy at each other. The parade is my favorite part of America Day.

After the parade, everyone goes to the liquor store, buys a bunch of beer and drinks until they can’t say “Democracy.” It’s truly the greatest holiday we have. Next June 20th, everyone should give it a shot.

America! Living the dream!