Joe Biden

1,000 Words: Petraeus Edition

By Alex Altman | @aaltman82 | June 30, 2010 | +

(Official White House Photo by David Lienemann)

Related Topics: 1,000 Words, Afghanistan, Joe Biden, White House

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  • grape_crush

    “General, why are you giving me these flowers?”

  • certifiablylazy

    “Rose are red. Now shut the f*ck up.”

  • tstar3

    So a minister and a porn addict walk into a bar…
    .
    “David, you haven’t heard this one, right”

  • http://www.simonvinkenoog.nl/beeld/Yogi%20-%20Annelies%20Rigter.jpg yogi

    “Now you realize that wont suit wont blend in with the terrain in Afghanistan, right?”

  • Katy Steinmetz

    Biden: “Look at me with this full Diet Coke and rum. How did you drink that so fast? You poured it into the vase, didn’t you?”
    …
    Petraeus: “Negative. I just ordered it into my belly.”

  • freekeir

    ‘Bite me… bwah hahaha whose laughing now.’

  • http://forgottenlord.livejournal.com forgottenlord

    Alright, so one guy enters the bar….

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, you saw what happened to McChrystal because of his interview with Rolling Stone. You’ve GOT to tell the President about your upcoming spread in Playgirl.

  • sacredh

    Biden: You like show tunes? That could work in your favor when promoting the repeal of DADT.

  • sacredh

    Biden: Here’s some free advice. Don’t look Rahm in the eye, he’ll try to hypnotize you. Don’t mention Hillary’s ass, she’s a little touchy about that. Leave the humidor on Barack’s desk alone, it’s a stash box. Don’t call Vitter a crybaby, he’ll sh!t his pants and ask you to change him. You can call Palin a c**t, we all do.

  • certifiablylazy

    ftw

  • nflfoghorn

    Miss Prissy’s a cart? Coot? Coat??

  • the committee

    “You know who else had your haircut? Hitler.”

  • certifiablylazy

    coot would be a synonym it some circles

  • certifiablylazy

    @9.2

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, leave his leg alone. He’s not interested and you should be paying some attention to what I’m saying. Please pay attention to me. Please, I beg you.

  • sacredh

    Petraeus (to himself): Jesus Christ! Why does he think I’m interested in his prostate problems and who the hell is George Michaels?

  • sacredh

    Biden: We’re exploring all options for a quick drawndown and increased predator drone strikes to take out their leadership.

    Petraeus (to himself); Black pantyhose? You’ve got to be kidding me!

  • nflfoghorn

    “I’m still getting BFD and RPG confused…”

  • sacredh

    BFD, RPG, B&D, S&M…it’s either alphabet soup or something equally disgusting.

  • freekeir

    lol on the rahm hypnosis line

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, when you go in to see the President, you say “The Vice President had a great idea and I’d like you to hear it”.

    Petraeus (to himself): Good God, how does he expect me to convince the President that giving Joe a wizard’s hat and a magic wand is a good idea?

  • grape_crush

    “Usually, flowers are given after you’ve done something wrong, not before, General.”

  • sacredh

    Biden:

    Roses are red
    Your eyes are blue
    If I was Clinton
    I’d stain you

    Petraeus: You’re dead meat.

  • sacredh

    Biden: I was watching True Blood the other night and these bikers shape-shifted into wolves. Can we do something like that to go after Bin Laden?

    Petraeus (to himself): It’s like talking to a titless Palin.

  • sacredh

    Biden: The former First Lady and I were talking to Senator Byrd last night…

    Petraeus: Uh…Mr. Vice President… he died a few days ago.

    Biden. I was with Nancy Reagan Mr. Smarty Pants.

  • earljr1

    Gen. Petraeus, thinking to himself, “Will this moron EVER shut up?” I would rather clear out a cave of taliban fanatics all by myself, than listen to this windbag postulate, ad nauseam.

  • nflfoghorn

    I’m guessing ‘colt’ doesn’t work here, either ;)

  • sacredh

    nfl: The process of elimination marches on. Closer….closer.
    .
    Hint: Cent is wrong too.

  • sacredh

    Alex, this was an excellent “1000 Words” choice in the fine tradition of KT. It’s open to interpretation and had enough elements in it to turn the imaginations loose. Thanks.

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, we’ll seriously consider your idea of separate quarters for gay and straight service personnel, but do you honestly think a bisexual barracks for the fence sitters is wise?

    Petraeus: Any port in a storm Mr. Vice Preident. Any port in a storm.

  • sacredh

    Biden: Barrack told me I was his first choice and Hillary would be reporting directly to ME. I’m next in line to be President and he hangs on my every word.

    Hillary (in the adjoining room): Goddamn it Joe! My coffee’s getting COLD! Get your sorry ass in here RIGHT NOW and get me a fresh cup!

    Biden: Yes mam’.

  • http://morris108.wordpress.com morris

    Afghan resistance reports 26 June 2010

  • deconstructiva

    It’s “cant”, right?

  • sacredh

    “It’s “cant”, right?”
    .
    Well…maybe if you’re from the Boston area and have that accent?

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, pull my finger if you want to witness a real explosion.

  • doddeb

    cult?

  • deconstructiva

    …speaking of Hillary and ass (okay I’m trying to stay on the main page since #25 exists, sorry about that, sacred)…
    .
    Biden: General, strictly between us: the POTUS is a huge, HUGE fan of the band KISS. If you dress exactly like Gene Simmons you will be the Presidential favorite for life. Hillary told me that herself, but don’t say a word.
    ….meanwhile in the Oval Office….
    Obama: Rahm, who the hell said I like the band KISS? I can’t stand them. The next SOB who walks in here dressed like Simmons, I’m gonna kick his ass literally and ship him off to the front lines….

  • sacredh

    Biden: …and so I told TIME magazine that I’d give them an exclusive interview if they printed a photo of me. Of course I’m sure it will be on the cover and burnish my reputation as a statesman.

    Petraeus (to himself): Thank God I found the stash of booze the Bush twins left behind. This Mad Dog isn’t too bad after the first bottle.

  • sacredh

    Hillary (from the next room): Joe! I need a pig here!
    .
    Biden: Oh God, she’s watching Alice in Wonderland again.

  • sacredh

    Petraeus (thinking): I’m in my happy place. Nobody can hurt me. It’ll all be over soon. I’m safe. Keep the eyes open and focus. Focus. Focus. Focus

    Out loud: I gave an interview to High Times and gave them my recipe for brownies. I killed and ate a puppy. I had sex with a dead bag lady. Me and Levi had a three way with Sarah. I have a pair of chaps in my travel bag. I have a box cutter in my pocket. I have Lady GaGa on speed dial. I drive a Camry. I…
    .
    Biden: You’re still the best man for the job and you’re going to Afghanistan.

  • sacredh

    “okay I’m trying to stay on the main page”
    .
    Do you have any idea how many congressional republicans have lost their jobs thinking like that?

  • abdullah69

    Biden: so let me get this straight, you can guarantee me a hilltop position with panoramic views at Arlington? And all it costs me is supporting another ninety – nine years of defense spending in Afghanistan? Have Blackwater ok’d this deal?

  • sacredh

    Biden: General, I got the mix cd you made for me. That was very thoughtful. It was a curious mix though. I’m A Loser-The Beatles, Born To Lose-Social Distortion, Goin’ Down-Bruce Springsteen, Trouble-Cat Stevens, Suicide-Elton John, 19th Nervous Breakdown-The Rolling Stones, Won’t Get Fooled Again-The Who, Your Time Is Gonna’ Come-Led Zeppelin, Vision Thing-Sisters of Mercy and Turning Japanese by the Vapors. Was there supposed to be a theme in all of them?

    Petraeus (to himself): The jerkoff will never get it.

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