Coming Soon: the New International Free-Market Bible

Actually what I think does a better job at disposing with liberal talking points Amy is Glenn Beck’s new book, “Arguing With Idiots”.
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Perhaps you should check it out.
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http://www.glennbeck.com/bookczar/

Do you think the part where Jesus handed out food to all the people listening to his sermon is now going to be referred to as Jesus starting up a small business and was thankful for the low tax rates?

Did Jesus throw out the money changers or lower their capital gains taxes?

My life turned around when I invited the Free Market into my heart.

Seriously though, what are they going to do with some of the real crazy stuff like the Jubilee laws of Leviticus 25? No matter how much land you’d accumulated in the meantime, everyone’s property was supposed to revert to the original family boundaries every 50th year. Talk about a way of limiting the accumulation of wealth! What about the gleaning laws where you were forbidden to harvest all the way to the edges of your field so the poor could come through after you and harvest what was left?
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I can’t wait to see this translation, especially the Gospel According to Ayn Rand.

I wonder how they will re-interperate all those squishy passages that has Jesus hanging out with the poor and people of questionable morals? Then again by todays conservative standards wasn’t Jesus poor and of questionable morals? Oh the irony!

I hear they’re changing Jesus’ name to Ronald. The parable of the welfare queen and the Cadillac is beautiful.

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“In the beginning the world was without federal regulation, and it was good.”

Look for the revised Revelations to predict an overwhelming victory for the followers of God in 2010.

“We need to put an end to government bureaucracies that make it easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Shortest sentence in the Conservative Bible? “Glenn wept.”

I can’t wait until deconstructiva finds this thread. It has all the potential of a “1000 Words” with a picture of Saint Rush and Sister Sarah with her Seven Sacred Mules.

Thou shalt not kill the goose that lays the Golden Egg.

Thou shalt not covent thy neighbor’s trophy wife.

That should be “covet”.
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Thanks Amy. This is going to rack up a ton of haha’s.

A better title might have been – “How to be an Idiot and Make Millions.” The life and times of failed morning DJs spiral into complete inanity.

Yea though I walk through the Silicon Valley I shall fear no evil for I payeth no taxes.

“Eloi, Eloi, lama sabbacthani” should really be translated as, “We wouldn’t have all these problems today if Strom Thurmond had been elected president.”

Spare the rod and spoil the child. This is the cover the Vatican has been looking for.

What is it about military voters and Dems?
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http://www.redstate.com/soren_dayton/2009/10/03/virginia-argues-that-they-dont-need-to-send-out-military-absentee-ballots-in-time-to-vote/
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“Any man that layeth with another man shall be put to death, yet IOKIYAR.”

Having now clicked on the link, I see these guys really are nucking futs. They’ve crossed over into the Khmer Rouge universe.

Plus they can change all those places where “GOP” is misspelled “GOD”.

I don’t think the meek are going to get to inherit the earth anymore. It’s going to stay with the ruling families now.

Thou shalt not commit adultery with a woman with big hair.

For the win. Thanks.

…or…Thou shalt commit adultery.
(okay, that appeared in M*A*S*H, remember the error in the arrival of new Bibles?)
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Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s a$$.
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(yes, this will be fun, thanks)

Thanks, Amy for the heads-up. You rock. During your lunch break as you’re enjoying your chicken salad sandwich, yogurt parfait, and homemade sangria, please watch the classic “WKRP in Cincinnati” episode, “Preacher”. Even though C-pedia will trouble rewriting the Beatitudes, avoid creating false gods by creating the Church of the Almighty Dollar, at least they can justify selling John the Baptist shower curtains and The World is Coming to an End lawn furniture (they’re in the WKRP episode…priceless!). Please write a new post after watching, thank you!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/323/wkrp-in-cincinnati-preacher?c=Comedy/Sitcoms#s-p1-sa-i0

Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wife’s ass.

Are these so-called conservatives still going to let the “son of god” go by a puerto rican name?

The actual title of this book is “Arguing by Idiots.” Glenn not only has trouble with his spelling, his comprehension of the proper preposition to use is lacking.

And on the seventh day HE filibustered. And it was good.

Yea, truly, is the Conservapedia actually a performance art installation? Because they know not what they do, obviously.

The Sodom and Granola part should be a real hoot.

This is great fun, and all, but it’s also the natural mindset of the right. If the NIV is too liberal… well, let’s just go monkey around with the KJV and pretty it up a little bit. Their feelings matter more than history, scholarship, reason, or reality. Note that this isn’t even a translation– it’s just, “ditch what hurts our feelings or makes us think.” There is no moral compass but political correctness, GOP style.
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The dude who runs that site is Phyllis Schafly’s kid. This is the literal and intellectual progeny of the conservative movement. It’s ugly to behold.

Hmm. Ideologues parsing the Bible to make sure it fits with their own viewpoint. That’s new.

Phyllistines.

When the Angels sing their songs will be protected by airtight copywrite laws and any unauthored use shall be punished by heavy fines.

Any mention of changing Jesus from looking like a dirty f-ing hippie to a doughy, pasty Jonah Goldberg?

My favorite part was when Jesus healed all those lepers, overcharged Medicare for it, pumped half the money back to John Boner and his buddies, and used the rest to buy a Maserati. And on the second day he whined about ACORN helping the poor.

…from “two fools for sister sarah”…
Hannity: You praying for me?
Sarah: You betcha!
Hannity: Well then, I must be drunk enough ‘cause I find that kinda touching.
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I’m trying NOT to envision Sarah pulling an arrow out of Rush’s butt.
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Sarah: The least you can do is take off your snow machine outfit.
Todd: Haven’t got time for that. You know how many zippers are on this thing? (kisses her)
Sarah: That’s why I wear a towel.

The long hair and sandals are out the door. The new and improved Jesus is in for a crew cut and a Brooks Brothers three piece suit.

He’s going to be packing heat too because he’ll have a concealed weapons permit.

Actually, most real New Testament scholars agree that the Pericope Adulterae — the story of the adulterous woman — IS a later addition to the text, & to make a long story short, I — a flaming lib — think they’re right.

The Synoptic Gospels (Mark, Matthew & Luke), however, do & did portray Jesus as a social liberal or communist, tho government-wise, he was Neanderthal, advocating not for a republic or a democracy but for a self-identified (God-anointed) messiah to run stuff. That usually works out well.

One would think that Biblical literalists, many of whom are ultra-conservatives, would be apoplectic about the proposed conservative Bible. Will the “hand of God” also be guiding these writers, just as he did all the other, conflicting versions & translations? Poor conservatives. They just go from nutty to nuttier.

The Constant Weader at http://www.RealityChex.com

If thine eyebrows offend thee, pluck them out.

Is the far left liberal’s hero, Michael Moore’s new film doing well in the theaters?
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I’ll bet it is ranking right up there with Bill Maher’s movie, “Regigulous”.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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The far left as represented on this site are so stupid, it is no wonder that their “spriritual” leader, and political wonk, Barack HUSSEIN Obama continues to dive in the polls only 9 months in office.

Thou shalt not suffer an uninsured illegal alien to live.

Also to be featured: a white, blued eyed, sandy haired Jesus in a spanking white choir robe.

Didn’t you hear – they will change his name to Ronald; and to help the poor, Ronald is thinking of a new program of tax credits rather than going around feeding the poor and healing them. Of course – if your gross income is lower than the standard deduction and exemption, then , hmmm …. tax credit …… !!!!

I’m betting on a flight suit that clearly defines the package.

Have you done some research on the aforementioned son of God Ronald’s dive in the polls in 1981 1982 and mid 1983? Could be a fun task !!!

…with Trent Lot fleeing the city with his family (fleeing the burning Bush?)…

Heck – thou shalt not suffer an illegal alien (uninsured or not) to live

If his wife gets turned into a pillar of salt, is it OK to lick her then?

Actually Moore’s film is doing quite well #7 at the box office. Up from 31 las week.

…will He be wearing Crocs instead of sandals?

If God had intended people to run around naked they’d have been born that way.

…at least she’d be a woman of good taste. Then again, Lot’s entire family went down.

“Rush wept” is shorter

…He didn’t turn down their claims for miracles based on pre-existing conditions? Did Jerusalem have Single Payer back then? Then again , did any leper later say, “I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! ‘You’re cured, mate.’ Bloody do-gooder.”?

Is this a joke? Are these people actually serious about this?

We’re all in worse shape than I thought if garbage like this is actually taking place.

http://www.political-buzz.com/

Just more conservative whining and a display of how, when reality and ideology coincide, too many nuts go with ideology.

In the new version if Jesus enables the lame to walk, how will this affect their worker’s compensation? Will tort reform preclude a lawsuit?

…which also reminds me of “Life of Brian” line, “All I did was say to my wife, ‘That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!’”

Will the new Bible clarify the tithe thing? Are we talking 10% of gross or net pay? Will the charitable deductions tax mess be addressed?

“Were you raped?”
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“Well….at first”

“All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, if not public health, what have the Feds ever done for us?”

Come, come, sacredh! How in the *world* can Conservapedia claim this as Christ opening a small business? After all, he fed the multitudes with just a couple of fish, tightwad. And I’ll bet He didn’t buy even those from a local fish monger, but had one of the disciples go catch them (to save money). Further, He fed each just enough . . . which sure does sound suspiciously like “to each according to his need,” now, doesn’t it? Heck, if any thing, he likely angered the fish moner and the local wine merchant. (Water into wine, indeed!)

Yeah, that Christ guy sounds pretty darned commie to me. . . .

Then there’s *another* problem for the Conservapedia editors, to wit, “Which *version* of the Bible shall we use? The Roman Catholic? The King James? The Greek Orthodox? The 20th-century ‘modernized’ ‘Good News for Modern Man’” (though that is just for the New Testament)??? And yet a third problem is the question of “Do we use relatively modern English translations at all — or do we want to fork over the mullah to get scholars of classical Greek and Latin, Hebrew, Aramic, etc. to examine to oldest known extant versions so we can *really* go for broke and examine the original documents? Can we even get to see such documents in places like the Vatican library? What about the Dead Sea scrolls?”

Now, let me put my take on this project in its proper perspective. There are many, many conservatives who are deeply Christian (relative to whatever their denomination teaches) who likely will be appalled at the very notion of injecting political philosophy from a certain era — actually, not even an era, but a certain Presidential term of office into the Bible. And we shouldn’t tar them with the same brush. It’s true the conservatives in the Republican Party have been hogging much of the limelight of late (Rep. Joe Wilson~R-SC, Trent Franks~R-AZ), but, as I said, there are scads of others who are just as displeased (to put it mildly) as I am with such antics. But the other side isn’t without sin (I’ll use that, since we’re talking about the Bible): Rep. Grayson (D-Florida), for instance.

I’d recommend the folks at Conservapedia let the spirit of Jonathan Edwards’ justly famous sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” inform their discussion while they re-write the Word of the Lord (who clearly needed an editor), except that the sermon would likely boomerang on them.

Wonder what the title of the Conservapedia “corrective” version will be? Maybe something along the lines of “Bible for Dummies”???

By the way, I tend to vote for considerably more Republicans than I do Democrats, though number one, I did vote for President Obama (one of three Democrats for whom I voted last time around), and, number two, I’m sort of wondering if I’ll keep that up if the party keeps moving further to the right, out into — to steal shameslessly –The Swamplands. You know . . . out there where Pope Limbaugh and Cardinal Beck hold ecclesiastical court. (Or do I have their roles reversed? — hard to tell these days.)

And to the Conservapedians: you of course have the right to your views, and to apply them to what you perceive as abominations by those with whom you disagree. I would ask you, however, not to try to present your own views as somehow the definition of “Christian Avenue, Main Street, America.”

I’m having a tough time believing that this is not some (very good) practical joke:

Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

The real problem with the liberal left like Michael Moore, is that they do not know the difference between holding a money bag out for people to throw money into it or to simply put it over their heads and suffocate themselves with it.
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One can only hope that they will do the latter with the bag.

Amy Sullivan asserts: “Conservapedia complains that liberals have used this story to argue against the death penalty.”

I don’t know if Sullivan’s allegation about what Conservapedia allegedly “complains” about is true (Sullivan, of course, provides no evidence), but since when has the atheist left cited the Bible in support of fundamentalist leftism?

By the definition of the word “terrorist” in abbreviated (online?) dictionaries ten years ago, you’d think that we count among them. We quietly re-defined the word so that there is no doubt we are not among the bad lot.
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Must revise and excise the crap in that bible.

And jesus created bread and wine from nothing. What anti-capitalist crap! Did he have a business licence? Bread makers must make a buck, I say!

And jesus fed free bread to multitudes? Free – as in free $Billions to scamming banking, auto and insurance companies like AIG?
NO! Print it clearly: Verily I say unto thee, Kill those socialists, communists and welfare queens! Nothing is for free.

And jesus healed the sick – without charge! These libruls would foist the idea of that damned Public Option on unsuspecting good Americans! Jesus was not a Hitler! No Joker! Not a socialist. Cut that crap out!

Unwed teenage mothers earn some respect? What are those unpatriotic, unkempt hippie libruls doing to our society and our way of life! They encourage loose morals, lasciviousness – and teach our school kids to have sex!
May it be known by all and sundry that Mary was happily wedded when she bore that jesus!

That jesus would be rude to his parents? “You are not my father”? NAH. Jesus was a model, poster child. Cut that out.

Gore and mayhem in the last book? Helter-skelter? That book of revelation which may as well have been written by libruls like Charles Manson does not belong in our bible. That is not how our god is. Ours is a peaceful god, a merciful god, a forgiving god – not an islamist god.

Gore and mayhem in the first half of that bible – with god acknowledging the love of his people because they slew innocent kids, women and men of the other side and raped their virgins – Iraq-style? Oh, YEAH! Ours is a patriotic conservative god – a god of war! In our likeness. God loves America.

A mature adult jesus – born of woman – never had time for holy matrimony? And that jesus spent quality time with a hooker – or two. Cut that anti-christ stuff out! Let it be known that, like the human he was born, virile jesus was married and was getting some from a comely, svelte Mary Magdalean.

A bible full of contradictions and inconsistencies? We’ll straighten it out. On the other hand we’ll leave it in there:
- We use the contradictions
- to justify our plunder when we invade, enslave and kill natives in South Africans (manifest destiny)
- and we use it to dissuade those naive natives from killing us in retaliation (not “an eye for an eye” but Truth and Reconciliation).
- and we use it to justify our blood lust when we kill Iraqi kids (“your eye for my eye (I have both my eyes? I lied! Anyways, forgive and forget, else .. I’ll scoop out your other eye!))

And change that to “Thou shalt not kill anyone – except for a librul, rationalist, witch, Muslim, Marxist, Communist, Socialist, … child molester, the gay, … taliban kids, … buddhist, episcopalian, catholic, … cherokee, gypsy, hun, limey, … and the ugly people too.

[So, we cut out the old testament. ... and we cut out the lurid revelations. and we cut out the magic stuff. ... we cut out the violence and the lip. .. and we cut out the wierd idea of the good life appreciated b the humanly nerves of earthlings ... and like we cut out the pleasure of the company of (virgin) angels and hedonism in heaven ... What is left of that KKK/Limbaugh manifesto?]

mekhongkurt, I am very troubled by the whole “water to wine” deal. Did Jesus inadvertently contribute to the deliquency of minors by not checking their ID’s? Was this the first instance of “Jesus Juice” being used to ply the underaged with alcohol before trying to take advantage of them? Chidren’s Services needs to investigate this matter.
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Thanks for your post.

Scarborough: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
Mika: Oh, stop it. But you can’t have babies.
Scarborough: Don’t you oppress me.
Mika: Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? Or Rush’s medicine cabinet?
Norah: Here, I’ve got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb – which is nobody’s fault, not even the Democrats’ – but that he can have the *right* to have babies …and pay Sarah $150k in maternity clothes to perform the actual duty.
Mika: Good idea, Norah. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother… sister, sorry, oh, whatever.

Darn. I forgot to make my own submission of a version of the Bible for the Conservapedians to consider: the King James. Not only is it arguably the most beautifully poetic of the English translations (and I genuinely mean that — ask any university scholar who has stiduied the Bible as a literary text), but, incredibly enough, there are those who think the King James version is the original. (Think of “The Song of Ruth,” for example, or even The Byrds’ rendition of a passage from Eccelsiastes in their hit “Turn, Turn, Turn!”)

I’m not joking. When I was a teenager — i.e., the 1960′s, in rural Texas — I was in town one day (a smear at a crossroads, some “town”) when I bumped into an elderly local lady, a lady of whom I was quite fond. She had her Bible with her, and I knew her church had an afternoon Bible class that day, so I asked her something about that, which led to a discussion of the Bible. She said something I felt to be perfectly ludicrous about some Biblical passage (but, then, I was raised Episcopalian in a town where my family was the *only* Episcopalian one, and Episcopalians are suspiciously Catholic-like, probably closet Papists, the lot of them). Anyway, I asked her about her take, and *that* led to a fairly lengthy chat. Once she figured out I was disagreeing with her — not openly; that would have merited a whipping from my parents in those days and in that place — she became incensed and announced, “Well, if English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s durn sure good enough for me!” Thinking she was joking, I chuckled. Which absolutely infuriated her. I tried, unsuccessfully, to sooth the troubled waters (“troubled waters” my butt; more like a Category 5 hurricane!). And her preacher, bless his heart, tried to explain to her that Jesus didn’t *speak* English, given that it didn’t even exist back then, when she complained to him shortly after about “that little heathen” (and that would be me). But that just made her furious with *him,* too — she quit the congregation over it — and sealed my fate as being spawned from Satan’s seed.

Sigh . . .

sacredh, just saw yours after posting my second.

You raise a valid question. Every state liqour control board should be polled about this.

If any of my fellow atheists/agnostics are wrong and there is a Hell, this thread should seal the deal when we die.

Thanks alot Amy. You had my immortal soul in your grasp and decided to wash your hands.

Lilith.

” .. Also to be featured: a white, blued eyed, sandy haired Jesus in a spanking white choir robe. ..”

Any chance that the spanking new Jesus will be a woman wearing the burqa?
Don’t gasp! After all they have Michael Steele in there as chairman. … Why? [The cynical pachyderms move in mysterious ways.]

Shoot, I replied to your reply, but I went about it incorrectly; see 47. below.

So you think the jokes in hell will be good?

Hm, the Jubilee laws . . . I completely forgot about them, and you’re quite right. Of course, they’ll just gloss over that as a heathen liberal insert snuck in sometime later.

As for your closing comment re: Ayn Rand, I nearly choked laughing!

I was also a teenager in the 60′s. I had an aunt who was a fanatic in the purest sense of the word. She attacked me with a Bible once (a big old family Bible thumped across the back of my head) and used to make the sign of the cross with her fingers whenever she saw me. We lived in a small village and the houses were packed together. She’d yell out “You’re going to BURN IN HELL!” everytime I’d walk by her porch. I’d always yell back “They don’t make wings big enough to fly your fat ass up to heaven”.
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The neighbors always got a kick out of it.

old Andy Capp cartoon fits my situation –
The Reverend: Which way is it leading to, Capp? Heaven or Hell? Think about it.
Capp: I’m easy, really. I have friends in both places.

The Conservapedia bible will restore all those “pisseth against the wall” passages. I understand reading them keeps young lads from turning into fags somehow.

” .. If any of my fellow atheists/agnostics are wrong and there is a Hell,..”

And since there isn’t …..

[As an entity separate from what is in our experience in the here and now ... To millions of dead, maimed, and displaced Iraqi/Afghani kids, mothers and fathers, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush, Wolfowitz ... - the USA - is their embodiment/actualization of Hell ... ]

I bet the new version will skip over all those cumbersome stories and get right to the rapture… done!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There you go, sacredh!

You DO have to admit that in the looks department, Sarah is absolutely the best thing they’ve got going.

Yikes! Think of all the votes she could get with just a half-inch shorter hemline and about as much whacked off the front of her blouses!

If the spanking new Jesus returns as a woman, will She wear $150k outfits including red jackets, black pencil skirts, and red naughty monkey peep toed heels? and whom will she be spanking?

…ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth…and Sarah can see it from her house.
(I wonder how Amy is *really* reacting to these)

Damnit! Stop it! ROTFLMAO with the tears streaming!

What a bunch of psychos the Conservatives are.

I’ve read some pretty funny comments here, but we’ve got nothing on the Conservapedia page itself:
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“First Example – Liberal Falsehood
The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:[7]

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.”

deconstructiva, I’ll bet Amy is gargling with Holy Water as we speak. I think an eyewash and a douche can’t be far behind. My cup runneth over.
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Hell for me.

“So, your father was a Woman? Who was he?”
“He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.”
“Weally? What was his name?”
“Rudius Giulianus.”

Oh, damn, another translation of the Bible. Though, I’m a radical progressive, I’ll stick with the KJV.
Since I now pray to the Christian’s God for Pres Obama’s safety & other intentions one hears around a campfire, I can’t call myself an atheist.
The KJV shows that sometimes a bunch of bureaucrats can produce a work of art.

” .. I’ll bet Amy is gargling with Holy Water as we speak. ..”

She’s probably used all the soap in USA to wash her mouth .. wonder if we should release the strategic reserves …

I wonder if Amy realizes that starting this thread could very well have been a mortal sin?

Cruicifiction?”
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“Good”

Maybe not.
The appetizers and foreplay are also good … and they serve a (higher) purpose.

Jessica Christ: “Take eat for this is my body”
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Apostles: “Hubba hubba”

For me, nothing can take the place of the LOLcat Bible:
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“Teh soljrz wuz liek “LOL” an gaev him vinigar to drink.37 Dey wuz liek “If u iz teh king of teh Jews, saev urself.”

38 An dey putted a sien on him dat sed KING OF TEH J00Z LOL.

39 Wun of teh criminalz wuz bein all rude.

40 But teh othr wun wuz liek “Izint u afraid of Ceiling Cat? U gotted teh deth penalti too, remembr.41 We dizrv it, but Jesus didint do ennithin rong.”

42 Den he wuz liek, “Jesus, remembr me when u getz bak to ur kingdm.”

43 Jesus wuz liek “Todai u wil be wif me in ceiling.”
Jesus Diez

44 It wuz around six an it gotted dark for three hourz,45 bcz teh sun stoppted shinin. An teh curten in teh templ wuz torn in half. Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin, srsly.46 Jesus wuz all “Ceiling Cat, I sendz mai spirit to u.” An den he died. Was ver sad, I creid

47 Roman kitteh see whut happin, say 2 Ceiling Cat “Jesus good kitteh, not should die D:”48 Teh ppl that saw gotted sad. Dey rode away wif invisible bike.49 Peeple taht knew Jesus (teh wummenz too, lol) from Galilee, dey staid ‘n’ wached. “

It’s just another book of nonsense for the Witch Doctors to use to control the members of their religious Death Cults!

Grow up and get real, people. When you die, you don’t get up and fly away!

Forgive me Father but I have to go and cutteth mine grass. Thank thee for the John Deere with the nifty cup holder and lawn sweeper.

I’ll checketh in later.

The memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime. You shuffle in the gloom of the sick room and talk to yourself till you die.

Will they leave in the part in Exodus 21:7 where it instructs you in the proper procedure for selling your daughters into slavery?

…or maybe we’re starting to see Amy’s wild side after all.

Actually, sacobarry, it’s not new, unfortunately. For instance, the first and second Councils of Nicea (325 A.D. and 787 A.D. respectively). The first council was in essence an ecumunical convention of all parties claiming to be Christian, the goal being to make sure everyone was preaching the same thing — and to the same choir. (“Just what *is* a “Christian,” anyway?” was a consideration). The Nicene Creed is perhaps one of the best-known results to come out of this council. The Second Council is perhaps lesser known, but it was important, for it restored veneration of icons, which the empire had banned. Further, it reformed that veneration, making a clear distinction between venerating God, on the one hand, a very special veneration reserved for Him alone, and veneration of the saints and so on. This causes confusion for non-Catholics who genuinely feel Catholics are worshipping idols or some such when they pray to the staute of the Virgin, for instance.

Later we have The Great Schism, a split existing even today, with rival Popes of the Roman and Greek, or Eastern, Orthodox Catholic churches. (And there are other competitors in the mix as well, of later vintage.) Further, there was an internal shism within each of those later.

Then there was the Reformation, arguably the single most important event in Christendom since The Great Schism (the one resulting in the Roman and Greek churches, I mean), an event spurred on in part by Martin Luther’s submission of his “95 Theses,” which questioned — or challenged, from the Vatican’s perspective — the validity of papal indulgences.

And let’s not forget two monarchs: Henry “The Horny,” who got the hots for Ann Bolyn, and when the Pope wouldn’t grant him yet another anulment, broke with Rome and made himself head of the Church of England; and Napolean “The Haughty,” who just couldn’t *stand* waiting for the Pope to crown him emperor of the [so-called] Holy Roman Empire and snatched the crown from the Pope’s hands and anounted himself emperor.

Then there are the personal differences. Even people belonging to the same denomination and the same congregation or parish can be bitterly divided. Also, consider how often some Christians like to invoke the Old Testament, conveniently ignoring the reversal of whatever they’re citing by a passage from the *New* Testament; perhaps the best paired example is “An eye for an eye” [found in the Old Testament books Exodus and Leviticus] in contrast with “turn the other cheek” [found in the gospel of Mark].

In other words, “When I’m pissed at *you,* ‘an eye for an eye’ is the operational law — BUT, when *you* are pissed at *me,* then it’s time to leap to the New Covenant and remember the compassionate ‘turn the other cheek’.” Call it “the religion of convenience.”

[For the record, I'm not taking sides here, just pointing out a theological inconsistency on the part of some.]

So, for Conervapedia to come along seeking to reinterpret Scripture to suit themselves is scarcely new in the annals of Christendom . . . just one more chapter, potentially a dismal one.

Shouldn’t that read *heavenly” fines, sacredh?

I sincerely believe the linked “project” is a clever bit of satire, though the blogger apparently doesn’t think so (unless she’s being tongue-in-cheek).

Otherwise, as I am a liberal scholar with a healthy respect for and familiarity with the Greek and Hebrew manuscripts we have today, this makes me feel very weary indeed…

Hey, constantweader, what’s wrong with that? The retouch to include the adulterous woman I mean? It’s just “Hollywood History Goes Retro.”

mekhongkurt: What will be really interesting to see is how Christian Fundamentalists, who insist on the inerrancy of scripture, will respond to their political fellow travelers taking a swipe at the foundation of their beliefs. I’ve often thought that Biblical literalists were attracted to strict construction as a Constitutional philosophy because it was is was so much like their theological approach. Is the libertarian wing of conservatism getting ready to jettison the social conservatives?

so this would be Council of Nicea 2.0?

In response to Mekhongkurt: there’s nothing inherently wrong with it; scholars estimate there are about 50,000 alterations to the original Gospels, & of course they don’t know what a lot of them were. The Gospel of John itself was a committee effort (somebody else wrote the last chapter & there’s been a lot of cutting & pasting elsewhere). The Pericope Adulterae appears in a copy of the 4th Gospel dated to the 4th century C.E., so it’s at least that old — however, it does (a) interrupt the narrative, (b) is parabolic in nature in a Gospel that contains no parables, & (c) it does not appear in early mss. of John.

Personally, I think it’s a good story because it’s one of many instances in the received Gospel that depicts Jesus as (a) a feminist & (b) opposed to the death penalty.

Constant Weader

As a conservative Christian I can find no New Testament Biblical injunction to build a political movement around the Christian faith. So far I’ve been unsuccessful in finding a place in scripture where Jesus tried to institute Christian morality through the political system of his day, either. So why is it that Christians for the past 25 years have considered it their moral duty to do so now? This life is not Heaven and never will be, so why are Christians trying so hard to force it to become what it can’t?

Jesus, when asked, said that the greatest commandment is to love God, and the second is like it, “that we love our neighbor as ourselves.” Jesus said “this is how the world will know you’re my disciples, by your love for one another.” As Christians, are we really doing that?

In that light, let’s look at some of the topics that get Christians so riled up these days:

Universal Health Coverage: Jesus said that when one comes to us in need, its actually him being represented through that person. In the parable of the sheep and goats he condemned the goats because they refused to help others in need. Jesus said he came to the goats thirsty, hungry, naked, a stranger, sick and in prison yet, they made no effort to help him. So, what would Jesus say today to the most prosperous country in the history of the world, that refuses to use its wealth to care for its own sick and dying.

Taxes: Jesus said “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.” Should we not, then be giving the money that belongs to the government, to them? Its not our money to hang onto.

Support for the President: What was it he said about supporting our government leaders- even the ones WE don’t like? Oh yeah, that they serve because God has put them in that position of leadership, and that we are to SUBMIT to them. I don’t see a line in there about only serving the leaders who have birth certificates we approve of.

Guns: I have guns, and I love to shoot them. But try as I might, I can find no place in the Bible that says I have an unalienable right own one. And there’s no place in there that gives us permission to blow away some perp who threatens us, either. I did see that part about turning the other cheek, though.

Posting the Ten Commandments: What does that really do for God? A public display of the Ten Commandments does no more to make people obey them than traffic signs make them drive the speed limit.

A politically conservative Bible, are you kidding me? Apparently the reliable, accepted versions of the Bible have not given these people the footing they require to justify their, spiteful, angry, unyielding, judgmental, and unforgiving rhetoric, so, like white supremacists and other cults, they have to invent their own version. Wouldn’t they be much more useful for God if they just simply prayed?

The KJV shows that sometimes a bunch of bureaucrats can produce a work of art.
.
Especially if said bureaucrats were under penalty of death if they knowingly got it (the translation from the original) wrong.
.
The art part of it was due to the period in which it was written… the King’s English. Real spoken English from the period was not very pretty.

Well said.

[...] And you thought liberal bias was limited to the evil mainstream media. Apparently the early Church fathers had their own problems, because the Conservapediacs are particularly intent on scrubbing the Bible of “liberal” passages they say were inserted into the original canon and therefore shouldn’t be considered sacred. Passages like the story of the adulteress whom Jesus saved from being stoned with the famous line: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Conservapedia complains that liberals have used this story to argue against the death penalty. Plus, this Jesus character sounds like a radical moral relativist. READ MORE… [...]

This thread has been more fun than a game of naked Twister.

The Council of Alabama might be closer to the mark.

Get thee behind me Satan. No reacharounds either.

” ..depicts Jesus as (a) a feminist & (b) opposed to the death penalty. ..”

a) “Feminist”! Damm! I told you so. Lets have a new god – one who is more like us: conservative/traditionalist, patriotic, family-oriented etc.

b) “opposed to the death penalty”? Damm ! told you so! That jesus in that bible is no god or the son of one.
An impostor, I say!
“You are not my father” , he would say to his father. And he thinks god wrong to pass the death penalty on those heathen phillistines and the creeps in Sodom&Gomorra.

I bet the librul bleeding-heart guy is against condemning sinners into the everlasting fire at the day of reckoning.

The guy parades around as god but he is against what god does. Need I say more?
I mean; he doesn’t walk the walk, he doesn’t talk the (OT) talk; he doesn’t even look the part!
Gosh he didn’t even just happen like one!

Hard times. But I would pay a penny to know in detail what Amy did to get thrown out of that nunnery. Does a video (of her confession, I mean) exist? On Youtube?

Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do…

[...] TIME.COM blog reports an absolutely absurd (read ‘lost’…’the world system’ …’the beast’…yes, [...]

As IF the Bible thumpers haven’t been able to use the Bible as it exists NOW to burn and pillage! Does this mean that they are admitting that what has been the actual “Word of GOD” written by divinely inspired men, (that is what they told me whenever they thumped me with the Holy Book) has all along been a corrupted version, in need of revision… that the divinely inspired men were actually under the influence of liberals, or were liberals themselves? Or was God somehow unable to inspire the writers to write sufficiently conservative enough? How will they market their “new and improved” version? Will they be able to convince people that they know (now, today) what it was that God was trying to get the men of the past to write down? Will they claim that God is inspiring them NOW, i.e., will they claim to be channeling God’s words from thousands of years ago? The “Word of God” brought to you by our sponsors at ouija.com, where we channel gawdsword4u. Purist hellfire and brimstone, no liberal bias guaranteed, we believe in only a conservative rapture. The only transgendered beings are the angels as they are neither female nor male. Eunuchs need not apply, we use only the best ASWCCMM, Angry, Straight, White, Conservative, Christian,Married, Men. All will be tested with penile monitors and shown gay porno. ANY TUMESCENCE will be grounds for excommunication. TRUST-R-US.

Angry Straight Serious Holy Overbearing Lame Eavesdropping Sycophants. Is that what you meant?

Rumor has it that Fred Durst was involved.

OMG… I KNEW I should have checked that .com before I submitted my ramblings. Dear Readers, ouija.com will take you to a paranormilizer blogspot, which we all probably could use. Any kind of normilizer sounds good about now. There is a second site, a neoouija, although I did not visit the site, might be for neocons, maybe neoliberals… we can’t be too careful nowadays, what with the Old Testament being PRE Christian, and the Jews claiming all of it as their own… sort of pagan, or at least infidel don’t ya think? and what with Jesus being perhaps a closet liberal and all… maybe the new extra conservative, extra NeoChristian Bible will have an appendix of approved conservative Christian .coms so that we neophytes don’t have to work so hard and think so much for ourselves. And Ronald is way too much under the influence of the McDonalds clan, I suggest that the Son of God be named God Jr., or in honor of his step-father, maybe Joe the Carpenter (instead of Joe the Plumber).

Pagan sounds interesting. Do they serve refreshments and how clean are their restroom facilities? The services are no earlier than noonish are they? I swear to a god that I’m not getting up until the sun is at least overhead. If sex is involved is there protection available? Height and weight proportionate is a plus but not a deal breaker.

Funny Things Conservatives Say
http://theamericanchronicle.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/funny-things-conservatives-say/

Time: Conservative Bible Project ‘Insane’ but ‘Green Bible’ Evangelical-friendly
http://newsbusters.org/blogs/ken-shepherd/2009/10/05/time-conservative-bible-project-insane-green-bible-evangelical-friendl

Oh my God Gop! Is it really true that Jesus’s health care policy included illegal aliens too?
.
If it did it will never get 60 votes in the senate.

[...] Re: Conservative Bible Project Conservative Bible Project Cuts Out Liberal Passages: “As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible. . . .”  “[T]he insane hubris of this really staggers the mind.  These right-wing ideologues know better than the early church councils that canonized Scripture?”  And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book. Revelation 22:19  (New International Free-Market Bible) [...]

Video Response:

http://seaclearly.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/re-conservative-bible-project

Rapture video at 11. Three reported missing in DC metro area, dozens more reported nationwide, the south seems to have escaped unharmed.

” .. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wife’s ass. ..”

I wondered about such passages.
Why not yank the “wife” word?

Will the neocons keep sexism out of their version?
I mean, is KT – and more than half of the human population – expected to disregard such a commandment as not applicable?
Would KT break it?
Oh, I take that back.
Are we therefore going to use the godly bible to plant ungodly ideas into puritan KT’s curious head – about what she is missing out?

” .. Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do… “

Had he forgotten that he is also god, indeed “Father”? Was he talking to himself?
If that ‘Father’ of perfect knowledge knows what he’s going to do today and 1000 years from now, the shouldn’t a god have known that such a comment from self was uninformative, superfluous, waste of breathe, … and irksome?

Why now – if he knew before he got here that he will be strung high and dry like black man in the deep South – on this day?

Impostor! Fraud!

Isn’t there already The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Bible? :-\

Absolutely nothing.

has all along been a corrupted version,

And you wondered why the answers to your fervent prayers were chancy at best – and as scanty and somewhat indistinguishably unhelpful as those that the voodoo guys got out of their effort …

Could it be that god curses the current corrupted Satanic versions of the bible and those who worship it in the same breathe that he curses the Wiccans? [Before you suggest that god doesn't curse, read the bible ..]

Now, let it be known that all you people hugging those evil versions of the purported god’s word are heathens worshiping a divinely-incorrect god/idol – and hence you are destined to sizzle forever in, eh, Hell.

Thou shalt not have another god – even one that is said to be me.
Thus sayeth the lord thy (vainglorious) god. [Or is that also a wrong version?]

I think these three pages are a pretty good start. In my version of Genesis, Peter Gabriel is God. The Lamb wasn’t sacrificed. He laid down on Broadway.

[...] Bible Translation Hijinks A new effort is underway to produce a Bible translation free from the errors of modern liberal bias. Conservapedia is conducting the Conservative Bible [...]

[...] Amy Sullivan in Swampland in Time: Also among the goals of the project: replace liberal words like “labor” with preferred conservative terms; use concise language instead of “liberal wordiness”; and–my favorite–”explain the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.” Jesus talks about economics more than any other secular subject in the Bible, so they’ve got their work cut out for them. I look forward to learning the free-market meaning of “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” [...]

What form do “heavenly fines” take – not fratenizing with angels?
[ Ever seen an image of an 'ugly' repulsive angel? Yet we have a thing against the righteous (Muslims) deserving the company of 10 virgin angels in the hereafter .. Is the christians' heaven a No-virgins-allowed zone?]

[But, we would have left the necessary (corporeal) pleasure tools for fraternizing here on earth ... [O, About those angels - are they male or female or none of the above? All the above! Hubba. Poor conservative bible ...]

In a timeless zone (of the timeless now-bad-version god), the fines last, eh, forever and a day.

And since that is a timeless realm, the fines are forever: Gods are not going for correction here – or second chances – since there is no counting there. Come to think of it: In a timeless zone – do the fines kick in from the get-go – when your tortured ‘soul’ gets there?
What get-go? There is no start or end in a timeless zone! Thus your poor ‘soul’ has therefore ALWAYS been there getting the works.

[Don't worry - be happy!]

[...] you thought liberal bias was limited to the evil mainstream media,” said Amy Sullivan in Time. The guys at Conservapedia (aka, “the trustworthy encyclopedia”) have launched a [...]

[...] from Swampland: Passages like the story of the adulteress whom Jesus saved from being stoned with the famous [...]

[...] Amy Sullivan wonders what they will come with for a conservative, free market interpretation of “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” [...]

I can understand why they have to edit God’s Word:

Acts of the Apostles

(New Revised Standard version)

4:32 Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common.

4:34 There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold.

4:35 They laid it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need.

I wonder if Lot drunkenly getting his teenage daughters pregnant is consistant with conservative values?

Ye old roofies.

[...] the original here:  Is the Bible Too Liberal? A Free-Market Rewrite (Time Magazine) Posted in Yahoo News | Tags: evil, poor « Rick Porcello Shaving [...]

[...] post: Is the Bible Too Liberal? A Free-Market Rewrite (Time Magazine) [...]

Funny thing is some religious scholars believe Sodom and Gamorah were destroyed because they had a bad immigration policy.

Jesus even says (paraphrasing): It’s better that you had died in Sodom than to turn away a man seeking refuge at your door.

Don’t worry. There’s another text kept out of the Bible where Jesus has a self-depricating sense of humor, and he admits that hell is just a pit stop on the way to heaven because we’ve all already been forgiven.

They should look into putting that one back in. It would make the C-street guys feel better.

Simply put: yes.

cfukara:
I’m a progressive Christian, which means I am somewhat like the disciple Thomas who was somewhat Buddhist, Confucian, Daoist, Hindu (original text) and Christian all wrapped up into one (but not like a Southern Baptist at all). Essentially, I don’t think the fundamental problem is sin and repentance. I think it is ignorance and enlightenment. So to me Jesus’ teachings are to show us the way to live and become enlightened.

The thought behind the statement of “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do” is to show us that even after he was betrayed and tortured, Jesus still loved the ones who betrayed him and still asked that no punishment be rendered to them. It wasn’t a literal statement to God, but a metaphorical and metaphysical statement to all of us. It represented a way of being.

In another way, it was an indictment of the death penalty. The idea being that there is never a reason to wish for the death of another human being; not even revenge. Jesus had basically lived a life promoting peace and kindness, and that’s the way we should live.

I wonder if they’ll specifically say that us black folks are the descendants of Cain and that our dark skin is the mark?

I’m sure they’ll make it attributable to Jesus.

[...] have some sort of liberal bias. this sounds like some sort of joke, and i hope it is. anyway: The Conservative Effort to Re-Write the Bible – Swampland – TIME.com Become a CF Site Supporter Today and Make These Ads Go [...]

[...] The Conservative Effort to Re-Write the Bible – Swampland – TIME.com [...]

[...] encyclopedia”) have decided to retranslate the Bible in what they’re calling the Conservative Bible Project, because “liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible [...]

[...] would be difficult to answer the Bibles emphasis on helping widows, orphans, and outcasts. And like Amy Sullivan I curiously wonder how the Conservative Bible Project will translate: It is easier for a camel to [...]

[...] same compromised movement has recently proposed a ludicrous new version of the Bible, the Conservative Bible Project. Right now, they are working to change the scripture’s language by taking out all hints of a [...]

OMG!!! my eyes are tearing!! I can’t breathe you people are HILARIOUS!!! I especially loved the “packing heat” reply. This whole article just made me move even more left, these folks can’t even see how hypocritical this is ………… Thanks for the belly laugh today! Wish I were that quick.

[...] Yes, those of us who don’t find religion that compelling can still find it fascinating. And Amy Sullivan at Time adds this: [...]